A whole lotta hobbity goodness!
by MagicalRachel
Summary: Merry and Pippin decide to tell their story to the Shire folk - in the form of a musical! Behold, as the 'Whole lotta hobbity goodness' production company is born! Complete and utter parody. Perpetually incomplete - will not be updated.
1. Default Chapter

A whole lotta hobbity goodness!

Disclaimer -  I do not own, or claim to own LotR or anything related to it. So don't even think of trying to sue me! Thankyou. 

Chapter 1 - I really don't think this is dignified....

"Pippin," said Merry, a few hours into the very long and arduous wedding ceremony of Aragorn and Arwen. 

"Yes Merry?" said Pippin, leaning closer to his cousin so they could talk without interrupting anything. 

"You can sing, right?" 

"Right." confirmed Pippin, not really sure where this was heading. 

"Well, what do you say to creating a way of telling our story to our kin?" 

"Merry, what are you going on about?" 

"Well.... most hobbits have no dealings with books and learning, and I thought, well, I thought we could create a musical!" 

"A musical?" 

"Exactly." 

"Are you serious?" said Pippin. He had done some pretty strange things in his time on Middle-earth, but.... a musical?! That was something altogether new. 

"Yes." said Merry. 

"OK." 

"Great." Merry smiled, and returned to the semi stupor that he had been in before the idea arrived. 

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"You want to WHAT?" said Sam, when he heard of the plans after the ceremony had finished. 

"We want to create a musical of our adventures for all the Shire folk to see!" explained Merry. 

"And we thought," added Pippin, "Seeing as how you and Frodo are so good at poetry, you might want to be involved." 

"I really don't know," started Sam, "I mean, with Mr Frodo only just gettin' back to normal an' all..." 

"I can see it now!" said Frodo, leaping up from his seat and gesturing with his hands the bright neon lights that his name would be in if they had neon in the Shire. 

"There once was a hobbit called Frodo, 

And he was brave and strong. 

He had a shiny ring, 

A pretty little thing - 

But Gandalf said 'it must be gone'!" 

Merry and Pippin sat, shaking with silent laughter. Sam stared agape at his master. 

"Join in Sam," said Frodo, pulling his friend up by the sleeves, "It's fun...." 

"Fine, fine," said Sam, relenting. He paused to think, and then sang: 

"Then there was another hobbit called Samwise, 

And he was Frodo's loyal slave - uh, servant. 

He heard his master's cry, 

And so he said goodbye, 

And somehow ended up leavin' the Shire." 

Sam blushed as his friends applauded. 

"Well, it wasn't exactly what you'd call poetry, but Frodo's right: it is fun! All right - I'm in!" 

"So am I!" said Frodo. 

And that is how the "A whole lotta hobbity goodness" production company was born! And, in case you were wondering, it was named by Pippin! 

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Two weeks later, when Aragorn and Arwen had finished honeymooning, the hobbits approached them with the idea. 

"Go on Strider.... I, uh, mean King Elessar," said Pippin, "We've already got Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Faramir, Éowyn, Éomer and Bill the pony. Well, Bill didn't exactly have much choice, but..." he put on his most winning smile, ".... ppplllleeeeaaaassseee?!" 

Arwen smiled and watched her husband's reaction. 

"It's hardly very dignified and kingly is it?" said Aragorn. 

"Elessar, melamin, since when have you ever been dignified and kingly?" 

"Fine." said Aragorn. "We're in." 

"We?" said Arwen, looking up in surprised. 

"Yes, we, my love." 

"Oh." 

~TBC~ 

A/N - I can just hear you saying... "Now how many times have we heard this one before?!" Well. This is different (at least, I hope it is!) It will contain all original songs! However, if there are any authors out there who wish to contribute their songwriting skills, please email me on rachelb@tesco.net ! 

Oh yes - one more thing - I have read the books several times, and I am fully aware that this is more than a little bit AU and out of character. 


	2. Songs galore!

Disclaimer -  Unfortunately for little old me, I still don't own LotR. Which makes me a broke 18 year old who would prefer it if you didn't sue! Except I'm not broke - but that is beside the point! 

This is pretty much an AU story, and the characters act out of canon! So now you know! 

A/N - The reviewers! Yay! You rock - all of you! 

shirebound - Eeeeeek! Oh my God - I feel so honoured! Thanks shirebound, you have officially made my week! I love your work! 

Ailsa Joy - Inspiration struck, as it usually does, sometime in the middle of Sunday night.... grrrrr! :) But yay for you liking my work! Don't kill Frodo! I will set my bodyguard on you - see reviews to understand (of this, that is)! 

Frodolover - Awwww! Thanks! I'm glad you are here to protect me! Yay - you got your package! But none for me yet.... :( By the way - it wasn't THAT funny! 

papercrane - Thanks! I'm sure you can write poetry! Everyone's an inner poet! 

Trintula - Calm down?! Actually, no - eat more chocolate! 

Chapter 2 - The fun starts here!

The room was buzzing with excitement. The set builders had been hard at work over the past week and a half, and now a selection of semi finished sets sat in the citadel at Minas Tirith. In honour of this, Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo had worked very hard to have a first draft of a script for the early scenes ready for the first rehearsal. The characters had been cast: everyone would be playing themselves, apart from Faramir - who would be playing Boromir as well as himself, and a mystery guest, who would be portraying Gollum. 

"Right, places everyone!" cried Merry. The room fell silent. "Would everyone in the Bag End scene where Gandalf reveals the One Ring to Frodo please get on set now." 

Gandalf, Frodo and Sam pushed their way on to the Bag End set, followed by Pippin and Legolas, who would be assuming the roles of the chorus. 

"Meriadoc," said Gandalf, "I would like you to know now that I am really not happy with all of my song...." 

"Gandalf, we've been through this. You'll be fine. Now..... is everyone ready? OK, and... from the top!" 

_~**~_

_Gandalf and Frodo are sat by the fireplace in Bag End. As Gandalf hands Frodo the now cool ring from the fire, he stands up and starts to sing...._

Gandalf: It is the one ring 

Chorus: Ooooh, the one ring... 

Gandalf: And it's gotta be destroyed 

Chorus: Ooooh, she bop bop yeah! 

Gandalf: It was made by the Dark Lord 

Chorus: Ooooh, oooh... 

Gandalf: Sauron was his name 

Chorus: You don't wanna mess with him.... 

Gandalf: And DOOM was his game! 

Chorus: Mmmmm yeah! 

Frodo looked up, indifferent, "Yeah, but what does it say?" 

_The music stops. _Gandalf looked up. "Say?" 

"Yeah, it's got lots of pretty letters around it." 

"Oh.... those." _The music starts again, darker in tone, and more ominous sounding this time._

"One Ring to rule them all, 

One Ring to find them 

One Ring to bring them all, 

And in the darkness bind them." He paused. "This is the one ring." 

"Oh," said Frodo, "Can we just hide it away and forget about it?" 

"No," replied Gandalf, firmly, "YOU have to destroy it." 

"Great," said Frodo. _Cue twinkly piano music._

"It's always me, 

Why never Sam? 

He is my best friend, 

But he's a spam..." 

"Hey!" shouted Sam from outside, where he was awaiting his entry cue, "I heard that!" 

"Cut, cut, CUT!" said Merry, running on stage. "Frodo that was not in the script! And Sam, you don't come on until after Frodo's song - where you sing....." 

Sam stood in his poetry pose (standing straight, hands clasped behind his back - you know the one!) and sang, 

"I 'aven't been eavesdropping Frodo, I don't even know what they arrrrrrrrrreeeeee! 

I will follow you my master, because Gandalf says I must, 

We will go on together - to Mordor or to dust!" 

"Well, yes," said Merry, "We will work on that song later...." 

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At this point, the group broke for lunch, and the "Whole Lotta Hobbity Goodness" production company locked themselves in a cupboard to work on logistics... fun, I'm sure you'll agree! 

"Do you think he would?" said Frodo. 

"No way - you wouldn't get him singing that!" 

"What about the dance?" 

"NO!" 

Ahhh, yes! I can hear you asking - 'what the hell are they on about?' Well..... the hobbits had decided that Legolas should dance! But not just that, no. He should dance on snow - whilst singing a song! I'm sure he'll agree..... 

"I think he'll agree!" said Pippin, before opening the cupboard door to find Aragorn for his costume fitting. 

Strange. I didn't think they could hear me! 

And so the performers spent that day: singing and dancing, debating and arguing, and.... 

CRASH! 

Gimli threw his great orc hewing axe to the ground and stamped his foot. 

_A great clash of symbols filled the rehearsal area. The piano crescendos, and our performer starts to sing._

__Gimli stepped forward onto the stage, pushing aside the unfortunate chorus singers, who had decided that now would be a good time to practice the Rivendell music. He started to sing: 

"The might of Mooooorrrrrriiiiaaa _(Crash, bang!)_

__Is really great! 

There's lots of Mithril, 

And the dwarves will fill your plate. 

They'll fight the orrrrccccss for you - _(Crash, bang!)_

In Dwarrowdelf......" 

The music stopped as Gimli faltered on the words of his song. Merry took this as his opportunity to halt the proceedings. 

"OK, people," he said, taking to the stage, "You've all been great, but I think we will call it a day! See you in the morning, bright and early for costume fittings!" 

"Great," said Sam, "Just great." For he had read Merry's plans for his early scene costumes. 

He wasn't happy. 

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A/N - Yeah.... so that's chapter 2! Hope you liked it! Reviews always welcome! 

Coming in chapter 3......... 

One script meeting to rule them all 

One casting call to find them - well, Gollum! 

One rehearsal to bring them all, 

And in the theatre bind them! 

Just because you all want to know this (actually, you don't but I'm telling you anyway).... the "Whole lotta hobbity goodness" production company is auditioning for extras! Anyone interested? I have cookies! 


	3. Why does it not surprise me that there's...

Disclaimer -  I don't think I own them. I'm not sure though, I'll just go check.... *runs upstairs to the bombsite that is bedroom and looks under bed. Runs back down*..... Nope! I haven't got them. Damn, I must have lost them again.... Frooooddddoooooooo? Where are you? Oh, hang on.... no, I was right before, I don't own them! 

Yeah, so, uh, none of the characters are mine - I'm just playing! Don't sue! 

A/N -  So I think I just set a record for the longest disclaimer ever on ff.net...... 

To the reviewers! Hello! Thanks at the end! 

Oh yes.... I use movie verse when it suits me, and book verse when it suits me! So now you know! 

Chapter 3 - One script meeting to rule them all....

The script meeting began innocently enough - a group of the performers gathered together in the main hall of the citadel to discuss the musical. However, everything involving Merry and Pippin begins innocently, it just doesn't end that way. 

Sure enough, after ten minutes of relative normality and sensibility in discussing how the journey to Rivendell would be portrayed, a fight broke out between the Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam and Aragorn over the staging of the Midgewater Marshes scene. Aragorn argued that it was largely unnecessary to the plot of the play - a view that was backed up by Sam and Pippin, whereas Frodo and Merry believed that it should be included because it was important - and they had received rather a lot of irritating midge bites on that part of the journey. The fight raged on for nearly fifteen minutes before they came to the conclusion that, if a good scene was written, it would be included. Needless to say, Merry then set about writing a draft. Not that the other members of the group noticed - they were too busy arguing Tom Bombadil's case, or lack of! 

---------------------------------- 

"Done!" cried Merry, half an hour later, halting the proceedings and silencing the group. They glanced his way expectantly. 

"What have you done now?" enquired Gandalf, "No, wait, that's usually only to be said when Master Took's involved!" 

"Hey!" said Pippin, brandishing his notebook at the wizard and watching in dismay as the loose sheets of paper fluttered to the floor. 

"I," continued Merry, ignoring his friend scrambling around by his feet, "have just completed the Midgewater Marshes scene. Would you like me to read it?" 

"Do we have a choice?" muttered Sam. He, for one, was not keen to relive the arduous and frustrating time they had spent in the boggy ground. Not that that was the only, or worst, stretch of marsh he had been forced to cross. 

"No." said Merry. He stepped into the middle of the throng. "Now, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Aragorn - I need your help." 

The aforementioned beings stood up reluctantly and joined their friend. 

"All you need to do," directed Merry, "Is pretend to be walking through the marshes. Nothing else. OK?" 

His friends nodded and began their task. 

Grasping his script, Merry began slapping his face to demonstrate the presence of the midges. "What do they eat, when they can't get hobbit?" 

Then he sang: 

"Hobbits.... are not food, 

To eat us... is just rude. 

These Neekerbreekers.... are really getting us down 

Not to mention the marshes - which made Pippin nearly drown! 

Ooooh ooh oooh... 

We've just got to get out of heeeeeeeeere 

And get to Weathertop! 

Oooh ooh oooooh..... and get to Weathertop! 

Oooooh ooooh oooooohhhhh!!!" 

His song finished, Merry stopped his fellow performers and ushered them back to their seats. 

"What did you think?" said Merry. 

The 'audience' cheered in response. I think Merry will get his way after all! 

On with the script meeting..... 

------------------------------------- 

"Now," said Frodo, having adopted the role of leader, "Does anyone have any questions?" 

About half a dozen hands were raised. 

"What about participants who are no longer with us - like Boromir - who will be playing them?" asked one of the Gondorians. 

"Well," began Frodo, "In tribute to-" 

"I will be playing Boromir," spoke up Faramir, "I believe it will be an apt tribute to a brave and loyal man who's beauty was marred only by the temptation of evil." 

"Well met my friend." said Gandalf. 

"As for the others who are no longer with us, or had no desire to participate, we will be holding auditions later today," said Frodo. 

"So make sure you have the relevant pages of my -" Pippin gave Merry a sharp kick, "... sorry - our, wondrous script drafts ready to practice with!" 

And so the script meeting ended! 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The other main issues of the day were, of course, the auditions to find Gollum, Saruman, Denethor, Théoden, and assorted other minor characters - including Uruk-hai. The auditions were run by Haldir, and were attended by a small crowd consisting mostly of girls who desired to act with Legolas. Once Haldir had commented that, since all of Legolas's companions were still alive or willing to participate, and that very few extras to act with Legolas would be required, however, most of them went home - muttering something about Legolas not having a love interest throughout the entire quest. Incidentally, most of the girls shared one name: Mary-Sue. 

Despite this, there were some beings who attended the casting call genuinely interested in acting. Not many though. There was surprising interest in taking on the role of Gollum, well, it was surprising to Sam, who had popped his head round the door to enquire how many wanted refreshments. He hadn't thought that anyone would want to play that treacherous, biting, little footpad. But, then again, he hadn't thought that his Mr Frodo would participate in something like this... 

"Next!" called Haldir, jerking Sam back to reality. A girl, who was either a very tall hobbit or a pretty short human, walked into the room, shaking like mad and looking very, very nervous. She introduced herself as Audrey. Sam left the room, and the auditions, to attend to Frodo. Observing the considerable sized queue, he looked to see who else was auditioning - several hobbits, a few of the Rohirrim, what looked to be Gondorians, two or three of the 'big folk', and a group of young girls, one of which looked strangely similar to the one he had just left in the auditioning room.... Must stop drinking that White City's Best, Sam thought to himself, shaking his head to stop himself seeing double. 

For the remaining auditionees, the wait was soon over, they all got to perform, and they all got to go home. They would not find out the results until the next day. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I solved the riddle!" said Frodo. 

"No, I did," argued Merry. 

"No, it was definitely me. I said to Gandalf, 'It's a riddle - what's the elvish word for friend?' and he said, 'Mellon!' and the doors opened." 

"You're wrong. It was me." 

"Was not." 

"Was too." 

"Was not." 

"Was too!" 

"Was not................." 

"SILENCE!!!" the residents of Middle-earth shouted collectively at the arguing pair, who had been holding up the rehearsal for the 'doors of Moria' sequence. 

"But....." said Merry and Frodo, crossing their arms in protest. 

"Can we just get on with it?" said the man of Rohan, who was playing the part of the Watcher in the Water, "I can't feel my feet anymore....." 

"Nobody cares," said Merry. 

"That wasn't very nice." said Frodo. 

"Yeah, well neither was stealing my scene." 

"But I solved the riddle!" 

"No. I did." 

"Me!" 

"Me!" 

"Actually," said Pippin, "I can't remember who solved it. Why don't you solve it between you?" 

"How would we do that?" said Merry. 

"Well," continued Pippin, "You could say 'What do you suppose that means - 'speak friend, and enter'?" 

"But what about me?" asked Frodo. 

"You could say, 'You're right Merry, it is a riddle. Gandalf - what's the elvish word for friend?'" 

"Pippin." said Frodo, "You are a genius." 

"I never thought I'd hear that one!" said Sam. 

"He's right though," said Aragorn, "It's the most intelligent thing he's said for weeks!" 

Well.... like I said - it all STARTED innocently enough! 

I think they're all confused between book verse and movie verse too..... 

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A/N - Coming next chapter...... the results of the auditions announced! If you would like to play one of the parts then please yet me know! You can write it in review or you can email me! I like people who email me! 

For anyone who doesn't know - neekerbreekers were what the hobbits called the midges in the Midgewater Marshes! It's in the books..... go read. Now. 

To my beautiful reviewers: 

Fiction-Addiction2004 - Hi Jenn! Glad you liked it! It will be very funny to hear them all sing - shame Peter Jackson won't be making LotR: The musical! 

AudreyArwenStrider - You can be an extra! As if I'd say no.... find out who in chapter 4! :) So you like my guinea pig, huh? 

Tigerlily Baggins - No flamers yet! Woohoo! So pleased that you're not in trouble with your mum and dad! We umm.... kinda extended a 20 minute transatlantic phone call into a one hour and eight minutes one.... oops! By the way, Audrey's decided you want to audition too! 

Trintula - Of course they are chocolate chip cookies! Just so you know - they are practicing! You will definitely know when it's the real thing because I will type it out.... in full! Oh yes! 

shirebound - It's OK, Ailsa didn't kill Frodo - but she's torturing him again in Trials of Lorien! I think I will have to email you again because I STILL can't review... :( 

Thanks again everyone! 

Rachel xxx 


	4. Whispers of a nameless fear oh, and Pip...

Disclaimer - I own nothing. I repeat, N O T H I N G!!! Actually, that's not entirely true. I own the song lyrics! 

A/N - Such positive feedback! Thank you! This means a lot to me! I apologise in advance if you don't like your parts! I also apologise for the song lyrics! Writing all of my own songs and music seemed like such a good idea at the time! 

Audrey and Tigerlily - I warn you now... you aren't given parts in this chapter! But you will feature in chapter 5! 

Chapter 4 - The one with all of the weird songs!

_A sombre piano introduction begins the song as Frodo walks onto the stage._

Something died inside 

On this journey to the ends of the earth 

The gates of hell, 

The mountain of fire. 

~::~ 

We wept and cried 

That we made it at all. 

Dusty tears did fall - 

That day on the mountainside. 

~::~ 

The Ring we destroyed, 

But it took away a part of our hearts, 

And all of our strength 

Just to........... 

Frodo paused, dropping his dip pen and watching the ink blot spread across the scroll of paper. Dark and destructive, it erased the heart of the song. 

"Just to..... what?" 

The silence of the reply echoed around the empty room. Frodo was having what Gandalf had referred to as 'a black day.' His happiness had left him, and he felt as dark as he had on the slopes of that mountain. 

Outside, people were starting to worry about him. Wild rumours were spreading throughout the rehearsals. "Oh, did you hear?" said one hobbit, "The ringbearer's been possessed with the spirit of the Dark Lord." "Nooooo," a man had replied, "I heard that he died - old wound gone bad - and they're trying to keep it hushed up." 

"You complete bunch o' ninnyhammers!" Sam had said to the whisperers when he heard of their stirrings. "You'll believe anything you hear, won't you. Well that won't get you nowhere. Mr Frodo's feelin' as right as rain. He just wants some time to 'imself to write a few songs and get some peace and quiet." 

The crowd gathered went silent. Then, having learnt that there was indeed nothing to worry about, they went back to their rehearsal of Helm's Deep with Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli. 

"An' I can't say I blame 'im either - wantin' to get away from this lot." Sam added as he went of in search of the new cast members, who needed to be informed as to which part they would be playing. 

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"No no, Pippin! You're doing it all wrong! You're supposed to look tortured - like this." 

Sam walked into one of the dining rooms to discover a young, dark haired girl writhing around on the floor in what appeared to be complete agony. Bemused, he approached Merry, who was watching the scene with great amusement. 

"What in Eru's name is goin' on here?" he asked his friend. 

"Well," he began, "Me and Pip were wondering how to stage the scenes in which we are captured by orcs, and this girl here - Ailsa Joy I believe her name is - decided to help us out. I must say, she seems to know a thing or two about hobbit torture." 

"Ah.... yes," said Sam, "Ailsa Joy." 

At this, the girl looked up and smiled. 

"You said my name Mr Samwise?" 

"Yes. I've got your part in the show here. You will be playin' Saruman the once white." 

"Cool!" said Ailsa. "Does that mean I get to inflict a great avalanche onto the Fellowship and nearly kill them, and then capture and torture Merry and Pippin? Does it? Does it?" 

"Uhhhh....." Sam looked at his notes, "That's what it would appear." 

Merry and Pippin suddenly looked extremely worried. 

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"Ah, ahh, ahhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ah, ah, ahhh." A strong elven voice rang through Minas Tirith as Celeborn practised his arpeggios in preparation for teaching his elven extras the Lothlorien song. It was a slow, melancholy tune that would be sung as the Fellowship passed through the borders of the Golden Wood, and the main vocalists would be Haldir and a female named Amy, who would be playing an elf. 

Haldir stopped singing in time to notice that he had an audience. 

"Ah," he said, "Haldir, Amy...... my fellow kinsmen." he addressed his audience, who responded with non committal grunts. "Today you will be learning the song of the Golden Wood: a pleasant little number that I wrote myself." 

He passed out sheets of music. 

"Now, if you will...... and after three...." 

The elves quickly read through the lyrics. 

"One." 

A few attempted to hum the melody. 

"Two." 

A couple attempted a glance at the harmonies. 

"One." 

The group began. 

"The trees of gold, 

The leaves so fair. 

Your troubled minds 

Wash free their cares. 

Reprieve is here.... 

~::~ 

Long you have walked, 

Far you have gone. 

The trees and streams, 

Hear all you've done. 

You shall not come." 

The music began to fade. 

"You shall not come..... 

You shall not come...." 

"That was excellent, my friends!" Celeborn applauded as the singing came to an end. "Now. I'd like to try it again, but this time with myself on lead vocals." 

The ensemble groaned as Celeborn signalled for the music to begin again. 

"The trees of gold 

The leaves so fair....." 

It's a shame that some elves can't do everything, isn't it?! 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Pippin was attempting to convince the rest of the 'Whole Lotta Hobbity Goodness' production company (aka. Merry, Sam and Frodo) that he needed a greater role in the show. 

"But I hardly do anything..." he moaned to an amused Frodo, who had certainly cheered up from the day before's evil mood. 

"Pippin." said Frodo, "You do plenty. You do not need any more lines!" 

"But I don't do much near the beginning. See...." he pulled out a rolled up early draft of the script from a pocket in his breeches. 

"How on earth did you fit that in that little pocket Pip?" said Merry, winking at Frodo and Sam. 

"Oh it was easy," said Pippin, falling for Merry's distraction technique. "I just got Gandalf to fix it up! Like he did with your bottomless bag, Sam. Look - " he said, removing six apples, a loaf of bread, a block of cheese, two fishes and an unusually small elf from the aforementioned bottomless pit. 

Merry, Sam and Frodo stared on in amazement and bewilderment. Pippin was unfazed. 

"But I even wrote a song," he said, returning to the original topic, "Listen......" 

_Slow piano music starts up. Pippin walks to the centre of the stage._

__"Why must trouble.... follow me? 

It goes everywhere.... you see. 

I can't escape it, 

It's just a fact of my life." 

_The music speeds up, becoming jolly. Gandalf and Elrond appear on stage to sing the chorus parts._

__"I'm just trouble! 

Chorus: You're just trouble! 

And I think I like it! 

Chorus: We know you love it! 

Fireworks, wizards, barrels of beer, 

Dancing on tables - you all think I'm weird. 

But it's just a fact of my life! 

Oh it's just a fact of my life! 

Chorus: Some people say he talks too much. 

Yeah - some people say I talk too much! 

_(Spoken) _Can you believe that? I mean, there was that one time, but - oh! Back to the song! 

Chorus: Some people say he should give it up. 

Oh, I'm never giving it up - I can tell you that much now! 

Cos it's just a fact of my life! 

Chorus: Just a little fact of his life.... 

I'm just trouble....... 

_Cue outtro. _

__And trouble is me, yeah!" 

Applause rippled through the meeting room. 

"You're right, Pip." said Frodo, "You don't have enough lines - do you?" 

Pippin grinned. Victory was his! He would soon be playing all of the parts in the production. 

Gandalf and Elrond exited the room in shame. 

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A/N - Coming in chapter 5....... Anyone who wishes to take part but hasn't been mentioned yet will be involved! I need people for *thinks*.... Faramir (because he's playing Boromir), Gollum, Denethor, Théoden and.... ummmm.... anyone else who cannot be in the production for some reason! 

Thank you for your time! I hope you will now proceed to tell me how wonderful my songs are.... or whatever else you might choose to write! Potential flamers - if you're gonna bother, then at least make it good I want Gollum set on you! 

Rachel xxx 

ps. Ailsa - if you're reading this - I hope I didn't offend you in any way! I just thought that it was an appropriate part for you! 


	5. Many songs of many colours!

Disclaimer -  Sadly for me, I do not own LotR or anything related to it (including the chunks of movie verse I have borrowed) ... but I do have a fair share of the merchandise. I also don't own the special guest stars/performers in this chapter - they own themselves! The only things I lay claimant on are three of the songs... which are quite shameful! So don't sue me, OK! 

A/N - This chapter is dedicated to all those who took the time to review, and to all of those who appear in it! Big thanks to Ailsa Joy for contributing the lyrics to Saruman's song, the tune for which is that of Gollum's Song on the TTT soundtrack - which gives me another thing to add to the disclaimer! 

Chapter 5 - Many songs of many colours...

"Preciousssss.... 

Preciousssss.... 

Hobbitses stole the preciousssss... 

Nassssty hobbitses, nasssssty hobbitses... 

Precioussss wantssss it back...." 

"That was excellent!" said Frodo, as the song that would be Gollum's introduction ended, "You sounded just like Gollum!" 

"Yes, yes - very good!" said Rosie Cotton, who had been waiting at the side of the stage to talk to the performers. "Now, if you don't mind, could you please stand up and let me measure you for your costume." 

Gollum's performer stretched out slowly and stood up, muscles cramped from the time spent crouching, and Rosie saw that - instead of the young man she had expected, there was a small human girl. 

"Hi!" the girl said, brightly. 

"Uh... hello," said Rosie, "I thought you said we had a male Gollum, Samwise?!" 

"Well we would have done, Miss Rosie, if it had not been for the complete lack of interest in the part. Tigerlily here was the only person to audition, if you take my meanin'..." 

"Oh. Well, never mind dear. Now if I could just get your measurements..." 

"Yessss....." said Tigerlily, moving towards Rosie. The audience looked at her strangely. Tigerlily shrugged. "What? We've been rehearsing all day..." 

~~::~~ 

"You need people of intelligence on this mission.... quest... thing!" exclaimed Pippin, settling into his place in the group. 

"Well that rules you out Pip!" said Merry. 

"Nine companions.... So be it - you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring." said Elrond, choosing to ignore the two youngest hobbits. 

"Right..." said Pippin, "Where are we going?" 

_Lighthearted music and a chorus of random Elves starts up._

_Elves - Ooooh ooooooooooooh..._

Pippin: Mission quest thing... 

Frodo: We will destroy the ring! 

Pippin: Mission quest thing... 

Boromir: And Gondor will sing! For we will have great power... and, oh stop looking at me like that... 

Elrond: A fellowship of nine - it'll help to pass the time! 

Everyone else: What? 

Elrond: Well you'll never get bored - not with eight other people to talk to! 

Sam: And Bill the Pony! 

Everyone else: Riggghhhht.... 

Pippin: Anyway........ Mission quest thing.... 

Legolas: Frodo will destroy the ring, and Aragorn'll be King and.... can we change the rhyming pattern yet? 

Elrond: Certainly! 

Pippin: We're going on a quest.... 

Random elves in chorus: Ooooh oooooooooh... 

Frodo: And you can be my guest.... 

Random elves in chorus: Oooooh ooooooooooh..... 

Frodo (cont'd): To go to Mordor.... or perish on the way.... 

_The singing stops. Everyone looks at Frodo._

Frodo: What? It's true - Boromir dies, and Gandalf kind of does, and I nearly do - several times actually. 

Frodo looked around the room to see that any audience they once had has gone and the music has stopped. 

"I think we need to think this song through again," said Aragorn, "It's supposed to be our happy, pre quest song - not a dismal, dark one." 

The Fellowship nodded and sat down on the half embellished seats that formed the set for Elrond's council chamber in Rivendell. They had been having trouble with that song all week and were already in their fourth rewrite. Trouble was, Frodo kept changing the words without telling anyone - depending on his mood of course! 

~~::~~ 

"Sssshire.... Bagginssss... 

That's all I get to say! 

I blame it on the Witch King - 

He never liked me anyway. 

Now I'm gonna hunt some hobbit, 

Which'll make me famous someday - 

And give me something to tell my children-" 

"Ringwraiths have children???!!!" the entire population of the rehearsal room shouted. 

"Well no," said Ringwraith Number 7, "But if they did, then it'd be something to tell them. Anyway...." he said as he started to lift the heavy mask and cloak away from his face. "Mmmmpphh hjkldggwf hdbug buqgg..." 

"Can you repeat that please?" said Pippin, who had moved in front of the stage to investigate the commotion, "We don't understand muffled Ringwraith speak." 

Ringwraith Number 7 finally pulled himself free of his costume and emerged as, well, not a Ringwraith at all but a red faced man of Gondor. "I said, 'anyway, I have kids and this'll give me something to tell them!'" 

The crowd just stared at the man. 

"OK," shouted Merry, from somewhere backstage, "You've had your fun - now back to work!" 

Ringwraith Number 7 reattached his costume sheepishly and continued with the scene. 

"Sssshire.... Bagginssss...." he hissed to a nearby hobbit. 

"N-n-n-no Bagginses round here...." 

"Excellent!" exclaimed Merry, "Now keep getting it right or we cut the song!" 

~::~ 

_The lights go down. A spotlight illuminates a hastily scrawled sign on the wall that says 'Orthanc - Isenguard'. A shadowy figure walks to the centre of the stage and Saruman is revealed. He is waiting for Gandalf to arrive as the Palantir has shown he will._

"What once was white 

Now colours stain. 

I'm tall and chic 

But not quite sane 

----- 

My look's updated 

And "good-guys" are overrated 

----- 

These robes I'm in 

Are quality. 

Don't talk to me 'bout 

Equality. 

I've got new style 

And it makes me look thin 

Saruman- of many colours 

Is in..." 

_The lights go down again, and Saruman the once white steps to the back of the stage. the music ends with one long, mournful note before fading._

"Was that all right?" Ailsa, the girl playing Saruman, said, "It wasn't too creepy or anything?" 

"Y..Yes it was a.a.actually, Miss Ailsa," said Sam from where he had hidden himself behind a large 'rock'. 

Ailsa looked positively delighted. 

~~::~~ 

As the script and the sets under the care of the 'Whole lotta hobbity goodness' production company were really beginning to take shape at this stage it was now the manufacture of costumes that was being concentrated upon. Head of costuming was Rosie Cotton, but she was accompanied by many others - including women and female elves. Costuming was, to some extent an easy task, as many of the characters were to be played by their real life counterparts and so would simply wear their own clothes. However, for one reason or another, some characters were played by people not only different to those who participated in the quest, but of completely different stature. This had a tendency to present some difficulties..... 

"Ummm... Miss Cotton?" said Faramir's actor counterpart, Audrey, "I think you're going to have to adjust this somewhat, it's a bit big." 

Rosie looked over from Ringwraith Number 3, whose costume was currently held together only with pins, to Audrey, who promptly let go of the swathes of material she was clothed in. Wanting to save time, Rosie had suggested that Audrey wear Faramir's actual clothes, not considering that Audrey was almost a foot shorter than the man. After all, to a hobbit such as Rosie, all big people were the same! 

A voice from the other end of the room broke of Rosie's musings. It was that of Madi, who had adopted the role of Théoden. It would appear that she had the same problem as Audrey. Rosie sighed: this job was going to be more difficult than she thought........ 

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A/N - So...... what did you think? Please leave me a review before you leave! Also review if you would like a part, have a song for me, want to flame (please leave an e-mail address/home phone number and make it worthwhile), or.... oh heck - just review! Please? 

Also... to those people who have not done much yet - you will get to sing a song, I promise! Just be patient! Especially if you haven't been mentioned at all yet! 

The next story to be updated will be The (Un)Official Olympics of Middle Earth! OK? 

I'm leaving you now! 

Rachel xxx 


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